3 years
3 crazy mofo years
and we’ve never had a good anniversary.

or a real one.

fail.

it’s been hella long
i highly doubt anyone that checked this before checks it still
so im back
i’m going to try and write once a day like a real journal
because i really need to do that for myself
but also because i want to start officially tracking progress of any sort
but of course i’m only speaking now

i may change my mind later and turn this into a hard copy journal
and this blog will be taken down altogether if that happens

i need a space that is like a morning pages area but isn’t my biz stuff
somewhere where maybe my tiny circle will find me again and talk about shit with me
oh yea, if anyone is reading this and has me on their blogroll, take me off
just bookmark me to find me please
i really want this hidden
it’s already not searchable
i just want this completely off the grid.

also, i want this to be like a sounding board for us
so comment as long as u want and as often as you need
be sure to check back bc im always going to respond to whatever
and let’s try and keep this healthy
which means, don’t name names of anyone. just say “this girl/trick/ho/ass/etc” lol
and you also don’t have to name names of businesses that u have issues with
unless you really think anyone should do business there or something
be specific without naming any names.
im also not using any hyperlinks. ill tell u to google it or i might underline something. i just don’t want any of this showing up in anything. haha. i’m dead serious.
also, dont use ur biz name as ur identity.
we may not all know each other.

with that said…

ive been at my biz now for 1+ years
i dont even know when my actual start date was
but in a way i guess that really doesnt matter too much because it was sort of an organic progression
so ive been doing this on my own for the most part
and after some missteps last year, i am getting more of the hang now
i started having the jewelry parties and they were really lucrative at first
but then they started to dwindle
and i understand how that goes sometimes but my thing is–

first: if we set up the date sometimes a month in advance, why don’t u do ur end and send out the invitations appropriately?

second: if you don’t do that, don’t fucking bullshit me and say u haven’t heard back yet from people (you haven’t heard from them because you prolly sent the invite the night before the actual show!)

and last: here is something i hate above all things. wasting my time.
when i was in DC this girl knew i was there with D and he only just got here. this girl gives me the fucking okey-doke and then when i get there, there is NOBODY there. mind u, she lived in DC and the person we were staying with lived an hour away. so i was pissed that my girl drove me there for me to literally sit up in this girls house for nothing. not only did noone show up to buy anything, she waits til about 1.5 hours in to say she isn’t buying anything either. i really will not like u after pulling shit like that.

__________________
another story:

today, i went to this place called score in the city where you can go when ur a small biz and basically get a mentor who will help you through every step of the business process for free! government agency. it’s kind of dope that there’s help out there like that.
i found out about it through this really cool girl’s blog ive been reading the past couple of days.

i went today because i wanted help with figuring out my taxes, since i have my tax id. because i got it i have to file every quarter and report whatever earnings i’ve had. i met with this lady who i can’t say i felt too comfortable with. but it just reminds me of how i felt after my first therapy session: relieved but confused. but i know i don’t have to feel trapped. she was just kind of harsh. said a lot of things that were good points but didn’t honestly let me speak the way i would have liked. i didnt even have enough time to feel settled. so i sat down and stood up like a ball of nerves.

i don’t know if i’m going to work with her again.
but im not giving up on score.
i have good feelings about the help they can offer me.
and you should totally check them out if you’re a small biz.

…exhale

he left about 37 minutes ago
probably for the rest of our lives
and although he’s turned into something of an unrecognizable man
he’s been my model my entire existence
and i still havent stopped crying yet
it’s not fair how you can be done with someone and still love them so much
especially when they do everything in their power to poison their once amazing image
and then everyone on the other side of the line doesn’t know
but think they do
they can all go to hell
i dont care for any of them
but he should never had turned into a band leader for the bullshit
ill get over it i guess
but i have absolutely noone to talk to right now and i needed this OUT

27 years
and this is the second time ive seen him cry
the first time was when grandma died

i dont know why 2009 has been such a heavy year for me, but hopefully this is it.
i dont want to be bothered with anything more.
i really dont.

everyone and everything fails you
and keeps on failing you
believe in something other than yourself.

it helps. sometimes.

just make sure it’s fail-proof.

and stop hoping that things will change.
because they don’t.
not hardly ever.
not enough that matters, anyway.

wish me luck on my test in the morning
maybe the tree trim will put me in a lighter spirit.

sometimes, the more i pray, the more things are revealed to me.
things that are sometimes the opposite of what i pray for
so i wonder what that’s really about.

when i should’ve been writing, i just wasn’t.
maybe it’s back to bite me in the ass now.
who knows.

im just very sick of it all.

to lose yourself”, she said. “They don’t even realize you’re gone. You just…go.”
She picked her things up from beside her in the diner and take her receipt to the counter.
“$8.95. Here’s $10. Keep the change. Thanks.”

She leaves him sitting at his seat in the booth. She walks outside into the damp morning air and puts on her scarf. She looks down the road to her left, then quickly to her right. She walks to the middle of the street. She knows he’s standing there, staring. She knows he won’t say a word.

He never does.

She closes her eyes. “Go” echos in his head.

“WAIT!” he blurts out, unsure of his voice. Unsure of his footing. All week he’d been mulling it over. Wondering what he could say. Instead he relied on his old faithful: silence. The entire conversation was controlled by her. He felt helpless. He didn’t know what to say to stop the inevitable. He wanted to so desperately. He loved her, but didn’t know how to express it. He didn’t know why.

She keeps walking straight ahead. Never once looking back. Allowing her tears to run down her cheeks. She let the noise of the street appear to drown him. She imagined the earth opening up. Asphalt erupting and him desperately trying to climb over. But he’s not stronger than the earth. The asphalt swallows him whole. She heard him. That was all she could hear. But she kept walking.

All she ever did was be his cheerleader. She felt like she died at least 1,000 times before. Not once did he notice. So she decided enough was enough. She lived for pleasing him. And he lived for it too. But who lived for her?

She’d been through this before. Not learning her lesson. But it’s hard when you take a person on their word and their word turns out to be something not expressed to you. It’s hard. It’s even harder to find out on your own, later.